"I Will Do Anything for Love...But I Won't Do That (anymore)."

Aries March 21-April 19

"You’re obsessed with your looks. You’re convinced that you’re too fat, too thin, too hairy or not hairy enough. With the sun opposite your sign, you’re worried that you’ll be alone and be eaten by your many cats."

Well hello, Monday morning. That was a little daunting, no?

The Red Eye took no mercy on its Aries readers (me) commuting downtown or to the suburbs for work (as if the ‘burbs aren’t bad enough) with that encouraging horoscope reading.

It’s not completely inaccurate, however. Have you thought you were too fat (too thin? Um…), too tall, too short, too pale, not blonde enough, too blonde?

Have you primped, poked, brushed, bronzed, and scrubbed to look good for a special event or date? Debated with your mirror on curled hair vs. straight hair and brown eyeliner over black? Bitten your lips to appear like you had lip stain on when you’ve forgotten because Cosmo said it was sexy?

Did you ever run the extra mile and finish an extra lunge set because the guy you were into at the time said he was a “butt and legs guy?” Was the weekend you could pull your skinny jeans on without sounding like a grunting pig worth it? Was it? Don’t lie. You hated every minute of that extra mile.

Pore refining and hair gloss masks to anti-aging and wrinkle plumping creams to shine control and dew enhancing sprays…you’ve tried them all, I bet. Who even achieves the right balance of shine-free, dewy skin? Anyone? Anyone?

Some of you have grown your hair out, cut it, highlighted it, low-lighted it, smoothed it, treated it….and received the best compliments when you highlighted it yourself with a bleach kit from Walgreens.

Maybe not. Maybe you’re the ONE completely normal person in this world (or Kate Upton) and have never done any of these crazy things to look good. But I have. I mean, just a couple of them. A few. OK…all of them.

Guess what? No guy notices if you wear brown eyeliner instead of black. That you ran five miles tonight instead of four. He won’t notice you wore a free Sephora anti-wrinkle cream sample to bed last night (but look closer! I swear, my laugh lines are filled in). 

He didn’t notice you devoured a huge piece of pizza for dinner or when you used a caffeine and cucumber infused refining mask versus nothing at all. He won’t tell you your plum eye shadow really enhances the flecks of green in your otherwise dirty water brown eyes (but hey, plum is chic this year).

Why? 

Because guys don’t care. They dooooo NOT care. They don’t want to date a red-faced (curse that exfoliation), starving, swollen lip version of yourself that is anything but you. 

So take off your silly masks, whatever they may be, and….

“Just be yourself. That’s why people like you.” – Drake

 And don’t ever get a cat.