Inspired from the Twitter account "Men's Humor"....

                                                                           

By your own will, you can change a lot of things in life. Your job, your car, where you live; important factors of everyday life. Your diet, social groups, saving money; equally important aspects of a well-balanced twenty-something. Your appearance, going out or staying in, joining Match.com or winging it at the bars; of lesser importance but most likely the most popular grouping.

You don’t have to change any of these things. But you can. It’s liberating, sometimes scary, and usually unpredictable. 

Not included in the groupings of materialistic, personal, or tangible items? People.

Specifically, men.

A recent tweet from @MensHumor sparked the inspiration behind this post because it’s a far too common thought amongst me and my group of girlfriends. 

@MensHumor: “That guy is such a douchebag!  Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!” – Women

In short, no. You just can’t. Unless this d-bag immediately falls head over heels for you, he’s not going to come around after a year of playing late night cat and mouse. If he wanted to date you, he would. 

It’s so easy to type that, but I (and a handful of friends) still struggle with that thought. Because I mean, who wouldn’t want to date you, right? You have a good job, make jokes, can hold conversation with the guy’s roommate, and look decent in sweats. Isn’t that all a guy needs? No? Ahhh, well, decent start at least. 

You want him to text you at 7:30 on Saturday night before he has plans to see what you’re doing, not at 2:30am when he’s wondering how he got to Beaumont. You want to hear from a mutual friend that he was raving about you, not that he’s been having sleepovers with a mystery blonde from the office next door. Although you prefer dive bars, you try to like clubs like he does. You really, really do. You talk your friends into Studio Paris, Board Room, and maybe Cuvee. And now you have no friends.

You want someone who is not him at all and end up changing yourself because you can’t change him.

To be blunt, if you weren’t enough for him at the start, having a sudden interest in the same clubs (or anything he likes) as him isn’t going to be enough for him now. When he wants to stop browsing the women’s restroom line for an overly made up, underdressed (as in, lack of clothing…) female, he will. But wait… he tells you you look good and you aren’t overly made up and are fully clothed. From your stealth observations, you aren’t his “type.” 

Knock, knock; is anyone home up there? This guy doesn’t HAVE a type right now. He’s not out there looking for someone who emulates his mother (ladies, as we know from Cosmo, this is the type of woman most men end up looking for/marrying). He’s looking for another girl to string along because you’re mentally exhausted, KNOW you’re being naïve, and have given in to realizing this is a never-ending battle between yourself and his love for not knowing where he is on most Sunday mornings. Cut your losses. He doesn’t care at all and you’re creating mind games that only have one player…yourself.

It might have taken you awhile, but you came to your senses before he came to his. Does it still suck? Of course. You wanted to make him into boyfriend material and he’s imagining you as…well…material. Just there to amuse himself until someone better (pffff) or different comes along. 

Brush those shoulders off ‘cause it’s “on to da next one.” Or something like that.

City Dating: You might break hearts, but you won't break your bank account!

                                                                          Photo: www.paperblog.com
  

Am I your most well-placed dating source or expert in Chicago? Absolutely not. Earlier posts clearly indicate my dating life has been everything from hilarious to...yeah, that about sums it up.

Anyway, I'm lucky enough my roommate has not only lived in Chicago longer than I have, but has a great eye for bargains. Clothes, events, date nights...let's just say she does her part in keeping Gilt Groupe and Groupon in business.

Maybe you've been here all or life or just moved; let the below ideas re-introduce or introduce to you dating on a budget...whether it's your first or thirty-first date!

Lincoln Park Zoo: You hated watching polar bear documentaries on VHS in elementary and middle school, but now you love Discovery Channel. Am I right? Turn off the TV and visit the Lincoln Park Zoo--it's free! Also, don't forget about "ZooLights;" the spectacular light display goes bright starting November 23rd!

Chicago Park District "Movies in the Parks": So you have to wait until next summer to see "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"...well worth it!  Pack a picnic basket, get there early (locations are all across the city), and remember that it's BYOB!  'B' as in...beverage. I did not say booze. Interpret how you wish.

Free Museum Days: From the Shedd Aquarium to the Field Museum to the Adler Planetarium, a majority of the Chicago museums offer free admission various days of the year. Explore the southern part of the city after and you have yourself a cheap day date!

Diversey Driving Range: Not the next Rory McIIroy or Natalie Gulbis? Help each other out at this year-round driving range in the middle of the city for a fun, athletic date. Open from 7am-11pm, there's plenty of time to split a large bucket of balls for $15. After? BYOB dinner...at home.

Brew and View: I like beer and I like movies...and I bet you do, too. So, make your way to The Vic and see a favorite movie with a beverage* in hand. The best part? Two-for-One ticket specials!  *All alcoholic drinks must be bought in-house, no BYOB allowed

Zanie's: They say if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. Guys, take your lady to this stand-up comedy hot spot in Old Town to ensure a second date. Tickets are as cheap as $5 for some shows (drink minimum enforced) and locals can receive ticket discounts depending on their zip code.

Hey, if you don't have fun on any of the above dates, at least you saved enough to buy yourself a nice bottle of wine or case of beer. 

"Weddings Just Make You Think About... Yourself"

I can’t place a finger on the movie I heard that line from last weekend when I spent a few days at home, but it’s stayed in my mind since.

Weddings make me thing a lot about myself. Like, I hope I don’t have to wear that heinous mid-length, cap sleeve dress that literally, I will never wear again. Someone will, and that someone will have to get it from the nearest donation center. And that hair…can the bride not take our feelings into consideration?! 

I’m the Maid of Honor in an upcoming wedding and I am relieved to say I am wearing a floor length chiffon gown. I slept easier the night I found that out.   

Weddings make me think of just how un-prepared I am to get married. Sometimes I can hardly make dinner for myself, let alone another human being. I can hold my own in the kitchen, but here and there really find satisfaction in eating straight from the dish or pan knowing I didn’t dirty another plate. It’s the little things in life…

Weddings tend to make me a little sappy. I see the bride walking down the aisle and turn just in time to see the groom smile in awe at the woman in white who will be his wife in just a few short moments. Close friends of mine, strangers, wedding videos on Pinterest…doesn’t matter. I think of how great it would be to give up my apartment and move to the suburbs, quit going to bed when some are getting up, and stop my highly entertaining life (to me, at least) that produces these blog posts. 

The last sentence in above paragraph is a joke. I think twice and remember why I am at this wedding and not in it.  I’m not ready to give up hangovers and hysterical morning-after stories. Debating between the $8 bottle of wine or the $10.99 case of beer. Finding reasons to book a party trolley “just because.”

Weddings make you very aware of yourself…no, I don’t want to be the one getting married right now, but why is she getting married?! What’s wrong with me? What is so right with her? Why did I get a +1 and RSVP for just myself? Does everyone have a significant other but me!? 

Well, no. I just have more fun on my own than dragging a date with me. 

And without a date and after I have run out of selfish thoughts as to why I’m here alone, I’ve sat in awe of the people before me that are sacrificing their lives apart to make a new one together. 

Weddings show you what can be and what love is. Maybe they’re my age and I can’t imagine being up there, or maybe they’re older and it makes me smile that everyone eventually finds their "someone."

I might (I mean, just a little) sound like I’m anti-marriage, but if you’re the right guy…disregard this entire post. And come find me. I might stop eating standing up in my kitchen and actually set a place at the table for you. 

27 Dresses

"I Will Do Anything for Love...But I Won't Do That (anymore)."

Aries March 21-April 19

"You’re obsessed with your looks. You’re convinced that you’re too fat, too thin, too hairy or not hairy enough. With the sun opposite your sign, you’re worried that you’ll be alone and be eaten by your many cats."

Well hello, Monday morning. That was a little daunting, no?

The Red Eye took no mercy on its Aries readers (me) commuting downtown or to the suburbs for work (as if the ‘burbs aren’t bad enough) with that encouraging horoscope reading.

It’s not completely inaccurate, however. Have you thought you were too fat (too thin? Um…), too tall, too short, too pale, not blonde enough, too blonde?

Have you primped, poked, brushed, bronzed, and scrubbed to look good for a special event or date? Debated with your mirror on curled hair vs. straight hair and brown eyeliner over black? Bitten your lips to appear like you had lip stain on when you’ve forgotten because Cosmo said it was sexy?

Did you ever run the extra mile and finish an extra lunge set because the guy you were into at the time said he was a “butt and legs guy?” Was the weekend you could pull your skinny jeans on without sounding like a grunting pig worth it? Was it? Don’t lie. You hated every minute of that extra mile.

Pore refining and hair gloss masks to anti-aging and wrinkle plumping creams to shine control and dew enhancing sprays…you’ve tried them all, I bet. Who even achieves the right balance of shine-free, dewy skin? Anyone? Anyone?

Some of you have grown your hair out, cut it, highlighted it, low-lighted it, smoothed it, treated it….and received the best compliments when you highlighted it yourself with a bleach kit from Walgreens.

Maybe not. Maybe you’re the ONE completely normal person in this world (or Kate Upton) and have never done any of these crazy things to look good. But I have. I mean, just a couple of them. A few. OK…all of them.

Guess what? No guy notices if you wear brown eyeliner instead of black. That you ran five miles tonight instead of four. He won’t notice you wore a free Sephora anti-wrinkle cream sample to bed last night (but look closer! I swear, my laugh lines are filled in). 

He didn’t notice you devoured a huge piece of pizza for dinner or when you used a caffeine and cucumber infused refining mask versus nothing at all. He won’t tell you your plum eye shadow really enhances the flecks of green in your otherwise dirty water brown eyes (but hey, plum is chic this year).

Why? 

Because guys don’t care. They dooooo NOT care. They don’t want to date a red-faced (curse that exfoliation), starving, swollen lip version of yourself that is anything but you. 

So take off your silly masks, whatever they may be, and….

“Just be yourself. That’s why people like you.” – Drake

 And don’t ever get a cat.