Guest Post - "How I Didn't Meet Your Father"

Hello and Happy Tuesday! My awesome friend Natalie is back today with what I hope will become a regular guest post from her. While we clearly love sharing our obsessions in fashion, design and art, we're excited to expand Coral + Concrete to include more "lifestyle" topics that we face as twenty-somethings. Enter Natalie, her impressive dating catalog and knack for producing anecdotal evidence of each hilarious detail along the way. We couldn't think of a better person for the job. Enjoy :)

“How I Didn't Meet your Father…”

Not unlike Ted from "How I Met Your Mother," we all suffer from dating and relationship disasters. Some are genuinely so funny that your abs get a better workout than he could ever give you. Some are heartbreaking and make you delete his phone number, de-friend on Facebook, un-follow on Twitter, block from Gchat...anything so you don’t contact him on Wednesday night when impromptu happy hour turns into shots of tequila. And you know what tequila does? It tricks you into thinking the guy who is a complete jerk deserves you. Take my word for it.

That being said, not everyone has a wine cork project-inducing love life. My roommate met her boyfriend in Rome. I mean, C'MON. Leave a bit of fairytale for the rest of us. Fortunately for me, I wouldn’t have the crazy stories I do if I had been swept off the single lady market anytime between 2007 and now.

You know, love would be a lot easier if we had a GPS on us at all times to avoid these types of guys…. hard left, hard left! Turn right to the bar before you make eye contact with Blue Polo. Make a U-turn and circle the bar. If you passed the nerdy but handsome guy in the plaid shirt, you’ve gone too far.”

Anyway, I don’t have a GPS for my love life. The below anecdotes actually happened because of that.

Number One

I once endured four years of “love and hate” with someone who caught my attention by saying “You made a lot of tips today - going to buy me a drink at the bars tonight?” after a busy day at the golf course where I was the snack girl. He continued to have multiple girlfriends over the years, all the while keeping me in the wings. I visited him last January. He has a girlfriend now. It’s not me.

Number Two

If a guy that was just recently in a long-term relationship tells you they broke up, they didn’t. I spent a whole summer with a guy who was “single” – until a FedEx package decorated in hearts showed up on his front doorstep for his birthday. He then showed me pictures from his “vacation” but forgot to skip over the ones that had his “ex”-in them. He’s still single, ladies.

Number Three

Tattoos are intriguing. I have one and they can be great conversation starters. That’s how I went on two dates with this one. However, guys who have tattoos of names like “Angelina” down their arm can’t be trusted. Why? Because Angelina was his daughter. And he was married.

Number Four

One especially depressing winter day, I joined Match.com. Surprisingly (or not), there were multiple people I knew already on the site. I went on a handful of dates; some were great, one was terrible. The highlight of the experience? Getting an e-mail from a woman asking if I was interested in her AND her boyfriend (see below). I un-subscribed.  

There are more stories to be told, but I think my point has been made. If it talks like duck and walks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. Steer clear. They leave a trail of messes everywhere.